Why does it hurt to be in love? What makes
otherwise accomplished, confident people anxious, fearful, and insecure
in their romantic involvements? What are the dynamics and symptoms of
insecure love--the anxious, obsessive quest for the perfect romantic
fulfillment that is always just out of reach--and what are some of the
successful, pattern-breaking strategies?
Common terms when
referring to "Obsessive Love."
Obsessive Love Addiction
Obsessive Love Disorder
What is Obsessive Love?
The experience of insecure love has two main components.
One is anxiety. This is the "he loves me, he loves me
not" sensation of being kept constantly on edge by a
fickle lover. Anxious lovers feel as volatile as the
stock market - up one day, down the next. Their passion
rages all the more intensely when they are least sure
that it is reciprocated.
The second component of insecure love is obsession with
the loved one. Love at first sight, longing to see the
loved one every day, wanting to go off and live on a
deserted island together - these are the signs of
romantic obsession. To the obsessed lover, the
possibility of rejection feels like the end of the
A person who experiences romantic insecurity tends to be
both anxious and obsessed. For such a person,
love is a
THE FIRST MAJOR COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF LOVE:
New book by
psychologists reveal what causes anxiety, obsession, jealousy and
depression in romantic relationships.
Dr. Hindy is co-author of
This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?"
Learn more about his approach to couples counseling in the book!
Fawcett Crest / Ballantine
Paper: $7.99 | Kindle: $5.99
Available at all major book sellers, including:
"If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?"
Also available in Italian as Se questo e amore.
While many pop-psych books prescribe band-aids for
emotional ills, this one not only offers corrective surgery, but also
diligently defines the disease itself. Through intriguing anecdotes,
well-explained psychological methodology and clear charts, this
comprehensive book offers solace and new paths leading out of our
Impressive... Readers suffering from fear of
rejection will find numerous parallels to their own experiences in the
depictions of ways people drive away those they love.
Deals with the fascinating and compelling topic:
insecure love, which combines obsessiveness with anxiety - the kind of
love in Fatal Attraction... skillful blending of case histories with
-Dr. Steven Duck, Journal of Social and
...the perfect book for those in or out of love who
are trapped by their past and whose only path to freedom is the rather
painful one of self-recognition. They show how we can trace and
define, even modify, the complex and invisible behavior patterns that
govern our daily lives and relationships. It's an impressive work that
offers hope to us all.
-Stuart Dodds, Chronicle Features Syndicate
Opens possibilities for the insecure lover--to find
and keep love in a mutual companionship rather than the repetitive and
unsatisfactory insecure relationship of the past.
-Susan Kohl, Co-author, Have A Love Affair With Your Husband (Before
Someone Else Does)
Atlantic Monthly Press published the original hard cover edition of
IF THIS IS LOVE, WHY DO I FEEL SO INSECURE? by Carl G. Hindy, Ph.D., J.
Conrad Schwarz, Ph.D., and Archie Brodsky. The publishers saw it as one of the
first books applicable to the dilemmas of both men and women. Clinical
psychologists Hindy and Schwarz had conducted a 10-year research project, the
largest and most comprehensive study on the subject ever. Over 2400 people
participated in well-established reliable psychological tests. They answered
hundreds of questions about their four most important relationships and their
family histories. In addition, family members and friends of respondents were
polled to help round out these individual portraits.
What resulted was a vastly comprehensive compilation of dramatic case
histories and detailed anecdotes. Combined with clinical experience and
in-depth interviews, the study illuminates patterns of behavior and
common childhood experiences that make some people more prone to
searching for love in self-defeating ways:
People who are habitually insecure in love relationships (have
perhaps found that) the struggle, having begun in childhood, is so
familiar that it has become easier than more risky alternatives. (They
confirm) repeatedly their negative view of themselves and their
experience. Or perhaps there is some promise of ultimate resolution
and mastery that the never-ending struggle falsely holds out.
-IF THIS IS LOVE, WHY DO I FEEL SO INSECURE?
The findings from the Hindy-Schwarz study show that those who were
especially prone to insecurity in their love relationships were usually
the product of one or both parents who were rejecting, indifferent, or
inconsistent in their demonstrations of affection. Hindy and Schwarz
maintain that both men and women feel the extreme highs and lows of
"anxious romantic attachments."
IF THIS IS LOVE, WHY DO I FEEL SO INSECURE? further explores
the common elements of insecure love. It helps the reader recognize and
diagnose his or her symptoms by explaining:
THE SYMPTOMS OF ROMANTIC ANXIETY
SIGNS OF OBSESSION / OBSESSIVE LOVE
JEALOUSY & DEPRESSION ARE NATURAL OUTGROWTHS OF INSECURE LOVE
WE CHOOSE PARTNERS WHO MAKE US FEEL INSECURE
IF THIS IS LOVE, WHY DO I FEEL SO INSECURE? unearths causes,
effects, and cures for obsessive romantic attachments and how they
prevent romantic fulfillment. It helps the reader, both lay person and
professional, discover how to:
RECOGNIZE AND DIAGNOSE THE SYMPTOMS OF INSECURE LOVE
COPE WITH THE UNCERTAINTIES OF BEING A FICKLE LOVER
OVERCOME OBSESSION WITH THE LOVER ALONG WITH DEPRESSION & JEALOUSY
EXAMINE ONE'S PARENTS' INFLUENCE ON EXPERIENCES OF ROMANTIC LOVE
CHOOSE PARTNERS WHO WON'T MAKE ONE FEEL INSECURE
Questionnaires used in the study are provided in the book to examine
one's own four most important love relationships and one's family
background, just as he research participants did. Based on the
circumstances of these relationships, the authors give guidance on
customizing personal therapeutic approaches and offer self-help examples
to enable one to overcome romantic anxiety.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Carl G. Hindy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice
in Exeter, New Hampshire, whose work focuses on love relationships and
problems of attachment, separation and loss.
J. Conrad Schwarz, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University
of Connecticut, has been practicing psychotherapy and training clinical
psychologists for more than thirty years.
Archie Brodsky is co-author of the pioneering classic Love and Addiction.
~ Carl G. Hindy, Ph.D.
Exeter, New Hampshire (603) 880-8773
Copyright 1995-2022 Carl G. Hindy, Ph.D.